Monday, May 23, 2005
I want to reach out to someone so bad. It's been like this for a little while, and yet here I am - just typing away. It isn't going to make things better, and I still want to reach out to someone, but it's all I've got at the moment. It's almost nine in the morning, I'm supposed to be in school. How many times have I just stood home? This is probably the tenth, almost in a row. It's not a secret though, Grandma knows. In fact, she's usually the one urging me to stay home with her. She shoos the home-attendants away, just so we can both wallow in privacy. My Aunt knows I've been cutting recently, she knows I'm flunking out, and she knows it's not entirely due to 'rebellious teenage attitude.' No, no it's not. I'm ready to break.
I'm always thinking of just disappearing. Vanishing, leaving one day and never coming back. Leaving everything, all of it, behind. Because I've got nothing left for me here, I really don't. The only one that I'd feel sorry for, well...I guess I'd feel sorry for two people; Mom and Grandma. But Grandma can't help me anymore, and Mom needs to help herself first. So, I'm rolling solo as always. I told Grandma New York isn't for me anymore, I told her how much I love Tracey and the family, and how I want to be there more than anything in the world. I'm ready to sacrafice anything whatsoever, just to be there - because I love Michael, I love Tracey, and they're my only happiness.
I'm fucking falling, damnit. I thought I was stronger than this, but I'm crashing. I don't really know why, either. Sure life is a little rough right now, but I've had worse, haven't I? My life's been shitty in the past, scarier somehow. The last three or so years have been devestating, so why am I so fucking fragile now?
This can't be my limit. It just can't.
I need to go, get up and be gone. I won't make it to Colorado, that's a given - not in my current state of mind. I won't make it too far, and she'll find me regardless. Even if I could make it to Colorado, there's still the chance I'll be caught and the Family will pay for my weakness. So, I'm screwed.
I'm fucking screwed.
I'm cornered and I didn't realize it until now.
Heh-heh. I'm crying. What good will that do? Someone just fucking tell me, answer me...anyone. Grandma's worried now, it's obvious. She says I'm have more 'capacity' than this and that I should talk to my Aunt. Talk. It's always the solution, isn't it? I do want to talk, but I want to do something too. My Aunt's the last person I want to talk to, though. I'm scared and nervous, and I feel so alone right now.
Pick up the phone and call them, that's what's going through my mind. Pick up the phone and let them hear you cry.
I won't do it. For many reasons. He's only heard me cry once, and Tracey doesn't deserve another burden. Besides, it's way too early over there. So, I'll just sit here and cry - and pray someone comes. Or calls.
Maybe they'll be able to salvage what's left of me afterwards.
Or, maybe not.
How much time do I have left...?
Before I shatter?
Rae-sama [Hagane no Renkinjutsushi] 8:57 AM Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Battle of the bands is next week, I think, or at least that's what Mike told me. He says Aesir are the underdogs, since Homesick is well-known. Well, I say they're going to kick some major booty, like it or not! I spoke with his mother last night for a bit, she's doing alright, I'm hoping things get easier for everyone over there. Mike and I spoke for a few minutes, he had wanted to tell me something, but never got around to it. Oh well, I won't force it outta him if that's the case. We got disconnected, and he never called back [probably for the same reasons I didn't, either]. Hope he's okay.
Heh-heh, Tracey and I are...ebil. Mufufufufufu! She's totally my source of information regarding Co. events. Mike's been up to no good, I heard, and it deals with me. I've basically got the 411 he's looking for, now I just need to get it to him without looking suspicious. It might be harder than I originally thought. Which means I need my Mom's help, yep.
Jocelyn just got a Blogger, and she's got this kick-ass layout. I found another one, but in celebration of...erm...Michael, I'll just keep this one a while longer. He likes the rain.
Ditched school today just because I'm lazy. I'm slacking off, but not as badly as I was a few weeks ago. Not good news, but not entirely bad news either. Good Charlotte and Simple Plan are due to come to New York at the end of this month, oh SHIT! I wish I could go see them, but...I probably won't. *Sniffle*
Did I mention I spoke with Vannie-kun? Oui! Hai! THE Vannie-kun! The insane anime freak I adore! The one I met at the same time I met Mike! VAN!! Whoo-hoo! Lol, it was funny though...'cause it was somewhere around 1 am that day, and I started out as a prankster. I was using this high-pitched, mouse voice and he was all calm about it and shit. So, I gave myself away and we started yapping away. He's such a sweetheart.
Will and I haven't been as close as we were last year, wonder what's up? Nothing has really changed, we're still the same people - he just shifted to the lightside one day. I dunno, maybe I became too Punkish for his liking. Or, or...maybe I degraded? *Gasp* Maybe I'm Emo, now! *Catholic-girl scream*
There's this awesome little Anime Shop in the Village about a block away from Thomkins Square Park [The Skater Boi lounge], and they've brought in some a-fucking-mazing little things. InuYasha msg.bags? Keychains? Plushies! Scrolls!! I bought a MGS2 scroll and this cute-ass statuette from Fruits Basket. I'll admit it now, I'm obssessed.
Rae-sama [Hagane no Renkinjutsushi] 2:27 PM Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Good Charlotte Vs. Aesir
I had the best night ever. I mean, damn....Radio City Music Hall had some nice GC and Acceptance. I dragged Gio to the concert of course, it was pretty fucking awesome. I got sooo close to Billy Martin, and I've got myself some a-fucking-mazing photos! Whoo-hoo! Benji's a riot, I swear, if Kayla would've been there she'd have chosen Benji over Joel. Not that there's much of a difference there. Heh. We got home kinda early, eleven-ish or so. Yooo! This woman at McDonald's, oh man, she was really askin' for it, I swear. Me and Tiffany were ready to kick her ass, and Gio's all laid-back and shit. Keh.
I fell asleep at like...six in the god-forsaken morning. e.e; Talking to Mike, of course. I think we broke that seven hour record. Whee, life is fucking crazy. I wish I could actually summarize our conversations, but I can't. I've tried and tried, but either I'm to feeble-minded to do it, or we're just way too diversified for any sorta classification. I saw some semi-recent pictures of Mike, and I hate to say this but....he's a fox! Yeah, let him find out I feel that way. He's got an issue with that, and by that I mean not liking to hear he's actually sexy. Oh well. There's a guy in his band [Aesir] nicknamed Turtle [I'll be damned if I remember his real name...], he's really good-looking, too. Max is supposedly popular amongst us ladies, but from what I've seen so far, I think NOT!
I think the cell bill is gonna be behemoth. We switched phones and gotta a new plan, but I've been tearing it up. *Cringe* I can just see it now: Aunt kicks down bedroom door, steamin', eyes all bloodshot and shit.
Yeah, then she'll like...pick up my room and send it hurlin' into the East River or something. Oh damn, why do I always do these things to myself? I'm always getting myself in trouble. *Pout Pout*
Rae-sama [Hagane no Renkinjutsushi] 5:00 PM Friday, January 28, 2005
It's raining. Bleh.
About the Lil' Saiko
Alias: --The Raven + Nathaniel + Jean-Claude + Rae-Rae + Chibi-chan-- Age: --Sixteen--
From: --New York City--
Job: --Currently unemployed-- Contact: --Quizilla
Hobbies: --Sketchin' + Writin' + Buggin' my "Red-headed Critter"--
drink --Tripple-Berry Ban. Smoothie--
colours --Lavender + Black + Earth tones + white--
games --Metal Gear Solid + Final Fantasy 7 & 8 + Chrono Cross + Spyro + Tenchu + Devil May Cry + Fire Emblem + Super Smash Bros. + Ocarina of Time + Bloody Roar Series + InuYasha + Dead or Alive 2 + Kingdom Hearts + Midnight Club + Need for Speed Underground + The Legend of Dragoon--
anime --Wolf's Rain + Trigun + Gundam Wing + InuYasha + Card Captors + Tokyo Babylon + X/1999 + Zoids Chaotic Century + Yu-Gi-Oh + Cowboy Bepop + D.N. Angel + Angel Sanctuary + Princess Mononoke + Spirited Away--
manga --Alice 19th + Hana-kimi + ReBirth + Kill me Kiss Me + D.N.Angel + Ragnarok + Juvenile Orion + Wolf's Rain + Eerie Queerie + Girl Got Game + Legal Drug--
book --Incubus Dreams + Cerulean Sins + Burnt Offerings + Beyond The Highland Mist + The Awakening + To Catch a Wolf + Family Man + Realm of Shadows + Deep Midnight + Seize the Dawn + Beyond Compare + The Silver Wolf + When Darkness Falls + Wild Rain--
author --Laurell K. Hamilton + Karen Marie Moning + Shannan Drake + Susan Krinard + Kelly Armstrong + Stepen King + Anne Rice --
mangaka --Kun + Kaname Kusakabe +Tsukasa Amou + Kyo + Isshin Shiba + Loki + Chaos + Skurai + Frey/Frei + Dark Mousy + Ishigami Kamuro + Izumi Sano + Mizuki Ashiya + Nakatsu--
game character --Raiden [Jack] + Hyato + Cloud Strife + Danta + Sephiroth + Lloyd + Fou-Lu + Ryu + Dart + Sion + Vergil + Squall + Riku + Sora + Axel + Zexion--
anime character --Edward Elric + Roy Mustang + Yue + Yukito/Julian + Li + Tori + Prince Darian + Prince Zuko + Haru + Vash + Trowa + Quatre + Duo + Heero + Zechs/Miliardo + Treiz + Raven + Van + Kenshin Himura + InuYasha + Sesshoumaru + Kouga + Kiba + Darcia + Tsume + + Gene Starwind + Harry McDougal + Spike + Ed + T.K. + Matt + Tai + Yami Bakura + Marik + Yami Yugi + Seto Kaiba + Dark Magician + Harpy's Brother + Subaru [X/Tokyo Babylon] + Future Trunks + Android Seventeen--
Cliques & Fanlistings